Recently, I started to notice that my daughter, when playing with her father, would give up on a game or task relatively quickly when encountered by a challenge. This struck me because she would not give up when playing with me. In fact, she seemed not to be self-conscious at all around me — didn’t seem to notice judgment / evaluation from me and didn’t seem concerned about my opinion of her. With my husband, however, she was self-conscious and would give up on activities much more quickly. I sensed that she didn’t want to disappoint her adoring father.
This experience reminded me of an article, “The Inverse Power of Praise” by Po Bronson in New York Magazine from a few years ago, that I had skimmed when my daughter was just a few months old. I also unintentionally came across the same article as the first chapter in a book, Nurture Shock, by the same authors, Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman. When reading “The Inverse Power of Praise” the first time, I thought it was fascinating. Re-reading the article a few years later as a parent to two girls, I now have a different appreciation for the content.
The Inverse Power of Praise
When interacting with our three-year-old, one key difference that stood out to me was that I tended to be more silent when my daughter would get engaged in something, wanting to give her the freedom to figure things out on her own and conservatively guiding her when she would get stumped. My husband, however, who is a much more fun-loving playmate to her than I am, was a much more generous cheerleader, enthusiastically saying things like, “That’s so great! You’re so smart!!”
A growing body of research strongly suggests that giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.
– Nurture Shock (2009) by Po Bronson and Ashely Merryman; page 13
“The Inverse Power of Praise” makes the point that praise can be effective — “a positive, motivating force.” However, all praise is not equal. “To be effective, researchers have found, praise needs to be specific” and it needs to be sincere.
“[Researchers] have found that frequently-praised children get more competitive and more interested in tearing others down. Image-maintenance becomes their primary concern. A raft of very alarming studies… illustrates this.”
– Nurture Shock (2009) by Po Bronson and Ashely Merryman; page 21
Modifying His Praise Immediately Altered My Daughter’s Behavior
Being as open-minded and open-hearted as my husband is, he agreed to listen to “The Inverse Power of Praise” as I read it to him during a recent car ride. He immediately embraced this new perspective and minimized general praise like “you’re so smart” and “that’s so good” and started focusing his praise more on effort, saying things like “That was such a great try! Even though you didn’t get it the first time, I’m so proud of you for trying and trying again!” We now both place a greater emphasis on effort and less on outcome. The result? Since making this change, I now don’t remember the last time she gave up on a task.
“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control… They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to failure.”
– Nurture Shock (2009) by Po Bronson and Ashely Merryman; page 15
“The Inverse Power of Praise” by Po Bronson
I highly recommend reading the article which can be found in its entirety on the NYMag website, which you may access by clicking on: “The Inverse Power of Praise” by Po Bronson. The book, Nurture Shock, contains other fascinating discoveries on other topics as well!
